Tennis Planet.me

Laugh station stuff. From Jenny. Thanks.

JENNY

Laugh Station?? Sorry gents, I couldn't resist!

 

 

Laugh station stuff. From Stella. Thanks.

STELLA

Laugh station.

Father: Why don't you get yourself a job?
Son: Why?

Father: So you could earn some money.
Son: Why? 
...
Father: So you could put some money in a bank and earn interest.
Son: Why?

Father: So that when you're old you can use the money in your bank account ...and you would never have to work again.

Son: I'm not working now.

 

Laugh station stuff. From Covalence. Thanks.

COVALENCE

Laugh Station :)

A man and his wife were deciding what password to put on their computer. The man eventually decided on "mypenis".......His wife fell over laughing when the computer showed "error. not long enough"

 

Laugh station stuff. From Stella. Thanks. Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers.

STELLA

maybe there will have to be 2 Laugh Station posts today.
This just arrived in my inbox.
Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers

Tower: 'Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!' 
Delta 351: 'Give us another hint! We have digital watches!'

**************************************************************************************************
Tower: 'TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.' 
TWA 2341: 'Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?' 
Tower: 'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?'

****************************************************************************************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: 'I'm f...ing bored!'
Ground Traffic Control: 'Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!'
Unknown aircraft: 'I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!'

****************************************************************************************************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: 'United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound.' 
United 329: 'Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight.'

******************************************************************************************************

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, 'What was your last known position?' 
Student: 'When I was number one for takeoff.'

*****************************************************************************************************

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. 
San Jose Tower Noted: 'American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.'

******************************************************************************************************

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): ' Ground, what is our start clearance time?' 
Ground (in English): 'If you want an answer you must speak in English.' 
Lufthansa (in English): 'I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?' 
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): 
'Because you lost the bloody war!'

*******************************************************************************************************

Tower: 'Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7'
Eastern 702: 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway' 
Tower: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?' 
BR Continental 635: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers.'

********************************************************************************************************

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, 'What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?' 
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: 'I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one.'

*******************************************************************************************************

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: ' Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway.' 
Ground: 'Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.' 
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: 'Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?' 
Speedbird 206: 'Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.' 
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): 'Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?' 
Speedbird 206 (coolly): 'Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land.'

******************************************************************************************************

While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the USAir crew, screaming: 'US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!'

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: 'God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?'
'Yes, ma'am,' the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. 
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: 
'Wasn't I married to you once?'

 

Laugh station stuff. From Raj. Thanks.

RAJ

Today's laugh station.

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said,
'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied,
'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered,
'I am the Father of many.'
The boy said,
'My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said.
'I am the Father of hundreds',
and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,
"Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.

 

Laugh station stuff. From Stella. Thanks.

STELLA

today's laugh station.

Charley, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.
Every day he was 5, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to
the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, he called him into the office for a talk. 

"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang on job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces.
What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They said, 'Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this morning, sir?'"

 

Laugh station stuff. From Stella. Thanks.

STELLA

today's Laugh Station.
Subject: THE ALTERNATIVE MEDICAL DICTIONARY

 

Artery The Study of Paintings

Barium What Doctors do when Patients die

Caesarean Section A Neighbourhood in Rome

Cauterize Made eye contact with her

Colic A sheep dog

D&C Where Washington is.

Dilate To live long

Enema Not a friend

Fibula A small lie

Genital Not a Jew

Impotent Distinguished, well known

Labour Pain Getting hurt at work

Morbid A higher offer

Nitrates Cheaper than day rates

Node Was aware of

Outpatient A person who has fainted

Post Operative A letter carrier

Recovery Room A place to do upholstery

Seizure Roman Emperor

Tablet Small table

Terminal Illness Getting sick at the Airport

Urine Opposite of ‘You’re out’

 

Laugh station stuff. From Raj. Thanks.

RAJ

Here is one for the laugh station following the same theme from the otherday.

To celebrate the golden anniversary, a couple booked a weekend at St. Andrews. On the third tee, the husband said, "Darling, I have to confess something. Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope that you can forgive me." His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, htose days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They hugged and kissed.
On the seventh tee the wife said to her husband, "darling, since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation. I was a man before we met."
The husband had a fit! he cursed, threw his driver away, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, tore hisclothes, screamed and yelled. "You liar, you despicable cheat! How could you? I trusted you, and you have been playing off the ladies' tees all these years!

The funny Arab. From RafaFan. Thanks.

RAFAFAN

The funny Arab
I don't know why people from Denmark make deadly jokes on Arabs. If you feel offended take a Redneck i.e. G.W. Bush instead of Abdul Al-Razhib or ra-FAY-el nah-DAHL(*) (LOL):
http://www.hangtilhygge.dk/steff/949847_l.jpg

(*) Official atp pronunciation! LOL.

Laugh station stuff. From Stella. Thanks.

STELLA

Laugh Station.

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe-box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe-box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "That's the money I made from selling the dolls"

 

Laugh station stuff: Most embarrassing interview ever! From RafaFan. Thanks.

RAFAFAN

Laugh station stuff: Most embarrassing interview ever!
This clip is quite known! This time it comes with subtitles so you freaking toddlers get the point!

I like the final credits of this clip! Beethoven's Symphony No.3 theme (Eroica).

 

Laugh station stuff. From Bluechyll. Thanks.

BLUECHYLL

Laugh Station:

This never fails to crack me up!

 

 

Laugh station stuff. From Kitty. Thanks.

KITTY

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

1. The light bulb can be unscrewed.
2. The light bulb will not develop morning sickness.
3. The light bulb will not develop cravings.
4. The light bulb will not want commitments.
5. The light bulb is inexpensive.
6. The light bulb will not mind if you screw another light bulb.
7. The light bulb is easier to turn on.
8. Light bulbs can be "made that way" by a man or a woman worker.
9. Light bulbs do not gain or loose lots of weight.
10. About a hundred pounds, maybe more.

 

Laugh station stuff. From Stella. Thanks.

STELLA

for Laugh Station.
this is another along the same lines as Sperry's of 2 days ago.
Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Canadians:

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from 
September through May, 
You may live in Canada .

If someone in a Home Depot store 
Offers you assistance and they don't work there, 
You may live in Canada .

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, 
You may live in Canada ...

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation 
With someone who dialed a wrong number, 
You may live in Canada .

If 'Vacation' means going anywhere 
South of Detroit for the weekend, 
You may live in Canada .

If you measure distance in hours, 
You may live in Canada .

If you know several people 
Who have hit a deer more than once, 
You may live in Canada .

If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' 
In the same day and back again, 
You may live in Canada .

If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow 
During a raging blizzard without flinching, 
You may live in Canada .

If you install security lights on your house and garage, 
But leave both unlocked, 
You may live in Canada .

If you carry jumper cables in your car 
And your wife knows how to use them, 
You may live in Canada .

If you design your kid's Halloween costume 
To fit over a snowsuit, 
You may live in Canada .

If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km -- 
You're going 95 and everybody is passing you, 
You may live in Canada .

If driving is better in the winter 
Because the potholes are filled with snow, 
You may live in Canada .

If you know all 4 seasons: 
Almost winter, winter, still winter, 
and road construction, 
You may live in Canada .

If you have more miles 
On your snow blower than your car, 
You may live in Canada .

If you find -2 degrees 'a little chilly', 
You may live in Canada .

If you actually understand these jokes, 
and forward them to all 
your friends,

You definitely are Canadian and proud to be.

 

Laugh station stuff. From Jenny. Thanks.

JENNY

One for the the Laugh Station. Some of us married ladies might appreciate this one. Pam Ayres is a British poet/comedienne from Oxfordshire, hence the accent.

 

 

Laugh station stuff. From Sperry. Thanks.

SPERRY

On the Laugh Station:
The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

50 Fahrenheit (10 C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadians plant gardens.

35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C)
Italian Cars won't start
Canadians drive with the windows down

32 Fahrenheit (0 C)
American water freezes
Canadian water gets thicker.

0 Fahrenheit (-17.9 C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat. Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-109.9 Fahrenheit (-78.5 C)
Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice.
Canadians pull down their earflaps.

-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C)
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg

-459.67 Fahrenheit (-273.15 C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"

-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C)
Hell freezes over.
The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup

 

Laugh station stuff. Good ones. From Kitty. Thanks.

KITTY

Ok, this one REALLY cracked me up!!! lol

FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

 

A Tennis Love Story. From Chipnputt. Thanks.

CHIPNPUTT

For Laugh Station:

A Tennis Love Story

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you.. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that.. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didnt have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your tennis club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

 

Today's Joke. From RafaFan. Thanks.

RAFAFAN

 What do you call a blond with a high IQ? A golden retriever.

Today's Joke.

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her.

She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, now she's angry!

She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and points to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!"

"Shut up," she says, "You're next."

Many true words are spoken in jest?

 

Today's Joke.

Bumper stickers:

I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Today's Joke.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Starting the 'Joke a day' feature post. Wouldn't hurt if you freaks can freaking contribute - in your 'spare' time.

Today's joke:

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.

Better to be safe than………………Punch a 5th grader
It’s always darkest before…………… Daylight Savings
You can lead a horse to water but………how?
Don’t bite the hand that……………. looks dirty
If you lie down with dogs, you’ll………stink in the morning
Happy the bride who………………….gets all the presents
Don’t put off till tomorrow what……….you put on to go to bed
Children should be seen and not………spanked or grounded
You get out of something what you………see pictured on the box

Laugh station.

DEE

Reminds me, would we get our Joke column back?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Make this place where you can come and laugh your freaking guts out - everyday. That means posting stuff that you have found beyond hilarious in your entire freaking miserable life. You may also visit the previous site and pick stuff out to be posted here if you feel it qualifies. Link for this 'station' will be in the left freaking bar.

Here's something to start with:

 

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
> WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> WITNESS: I forget.
> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________ _________ _________ _________
> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
> doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________ _________ _________ ______

> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he?
> WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.
____________ _________ _________ _________

> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
____________ _________ _________ _________ __

> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> WITNESS: Getting laid
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> WITNESS: None.
> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
> attorney?
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> WITNESS: By death.
> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ____ _
> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
____________ _________ _________ _______
> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
> notice which I sent to your attorney?
> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________ _________ _________ ________
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
> people?
> WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
____________ _________ _________ _________
> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
> WITNESS: Oral.
____________ _________ _________ _________ __
> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
> WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
____________ _________ _________ ________
> And the best for last:
>
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
> pulse?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
> the autopsy?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
> law.

 =============================================

Q. What is the difference between your job and your wife?

Your job will still suck after five years.

===============================================

-New Yorkers are not supposed to be the most helpful freaks in the world. A tourist hesitantly walks up to a local and asks “Do you know which way is the Statue of Liberty or or or…. should I just go f@#$ myself”.

================================================

-Two flies are eating s…. One of them farts. The other says: “Please, I am eating here.”

==================================================

-English is becoming the international language of business. But you wouldn’t know it by these signs, reportedly spotted around the globe.

A Bangkok dry cleaner asks its customers to: “Drop your trousers here for best results.”

A Norwegian cocktail lounge isn’t asking for much:”Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.”

In the window of a Barcelona travel agency that may not last long: “Go away.”

A laundry in Rome proves it knows la dolce vita:” Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.”

======================================

Granted we live in a throwaway society. But I hadn’t realized how bad it had gotten until I was handed a leaflet advertising pest control.

“Dispose of pests humanely,” it read. “Reduced rates for seniors.”

==========================================

-Two nuns, a penguin, a man with a parrot on his shoulders and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this? Some kind of joke?”

=======================================

- Michael Jackson, Bill Clinton and Nelson Mandela are in a jet with 
20 kids. The engine fails and the plane is going down. They find 
out the plane has only 20 parachutes. Nelson Mandela ,as a great 
humanitarian says that the children should have them. 
Bill Clinton gets panicky and shouts, “Screw the children”.
 Michael Jackson whispers, “Do we have enough time?”

===========================================

-Did you hear about my dog? I named him Stay. It was great fun,
“Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!” He went insane.

============================================

- Car bumper stickers:
This is it, I don’t have another car.
I’m not as think as you drunk I am.
I am out of bed and dressed. What more do you want.
I brake for no apparent reason.

=============================================

From JENNY

letters to the council

the (allegedly real) quotes from letters to islington council's housing department

I cannot vouch for the truth of these funny quotes, alleged variously to have been collected by staff at London's Islington Council Housing Department, or instead apparently according to comedian Jasper Carrot, by staff of Bassetlaw district, Nottinghamshire, thanks PC) sometime towards the end of the last century. According to legend the quotes are taken from letters written by council tenants to the housing department, requesting maintenance attention of various sorts. If you see something else in the words, that's entirely down to your own interpretation.

If you know any more of the story behind these hysterical extracts please tell me.

Whether these originated in London's fine borough of Islington, Nottinghamshire's Bassetlaw, or anywhere else, or if they are simply the stuff of urban myth, they are extremely funny, and illustrate how the simplest communications can easily become confused.

These funny quotes also appear on the main quotes page, where you'll find lots more quotes for amusement, learning, inspiration, speeches, etc.

 

from 'letters to the council' (allegedly)

"I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off."

"I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage."

"Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence."

"I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off."

"The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?"

"I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall."

"Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant."

"I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

"Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother."

"I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers."

"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared."

"Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink."

"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now it is in three pieces."

"Would you please send a man to repair my sprout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away."

"I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much."

"The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous."

"Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it."

"I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night."

"Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife."

"I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction."

"We are getting married in September and would like it in the garden before we move into the house."

"This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2."

 

 

Buy or Lease? From Chipnputt. Thanks.

CHIPNPUTT

Buy or Lease? In keeping with the off-season -- a bit dated but maybe you haven't seen it...

Supposedly, a woman posted the following personal ad on Craigslist:

What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I’m tired of beating around the bush. I’m a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25-year-old girl. I’m articulate and classy. I’m not from New York. I’m looking to get married to a guy who makes at least [a] half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don’t think I’m overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a businessman who makes average around 200 – 250K. But that’s where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000K won’t get me to Central Park West. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she’s not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms.

- What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won’t hurt my feelings.

- Is there an age range I should be targeting (I’m 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the Upper East Side so plain? I’ve seen really “plain Jane” boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I’ve seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the East Village. What’s the story there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows — lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY.

Please hold your insults — I’m putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I’m being up front about it. I wouldn’t be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn’t able to match them — in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

The response she got was as follows:

Dear Pers-431649184:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament. Firstly, I’m not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said, here’s how I see it:

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here’s why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party, and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here’s the rub — your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity … in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won’t be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms, you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain: you’re 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35, stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold … hence the rub … marriage. It doesn’t make good business sense to “buy you” (which is what you’re asking) so I’d rather lease. In case you think I’m being cruel, I would say the following: if my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It’s as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as “articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful” as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe, if you are as gorgeous as you say you are, that the $500K hasn’t found you, if not only for a tryout. By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn’t need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you’re going about it the right way. Classic “pump and dump.” I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.