Tennis Planet.me

The Philosophy of Ambiguity. From Manal. Thanks.

MANAL

Hi all, its been a while since we see some good jokes on TP's wall, so here I am sharing this one with you lot. I got it from a friend of mine on facebook:

The Philosophy of Ambiguity
---------------------------

 THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY ( as well as the idiosyncrasies of English)

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR!

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, 'WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?'
SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO 'GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?'

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS?
ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. If A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS:
THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED 'HEMORRHOIDS' INSTEAD OF 'ASSTEROIDS'?

30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT THEM?

31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRY DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

Reminder commercial.

 

For Laugh Station -- TP Uncovered. From Chipnputt. Thanks.

CHIPNPUTT

For Laugh Station -- TP Uncovered

 

 

For Laugh Station. From Chipnputt. Thanks.

CHIPNPUTT

For Laugh Station:

 

 

Ultimate dog tease. From DSG. Thanks.

 

Was Gadhafi born on August 8 - Federer's birthday? From Imaginaryband. Thanks. Good work.

IMAGINARYBAND

Was Gadhafi born on August 8?

"It's one humiliation after another for Moammar Gadhafi. First his own people started rising up against him, then his compound was bombed, and now he's getting beaten up by the French." –Jay Leno

"It's being reported that Moammar Gadhafi is surrounded by an elite core of female bodyguards. In a related story, Charlie Sheen invaded Libya." –Conan O'Brien

"Gadhafi said his people 'love him.' I think that's what he said. It was hard to hear over the rebel gunfire." –David Letterman

"Moammar Gadhafi is said to be hanging out in a series of underground tunnels. That's basically admitting you're evil." –Jimmy Fallon

"No one can agree on how to spell Gadhafi's name. He's like the Hanukkah of dictators." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The strikes on Libya are costing $100 million. Or, in Moammar Gadhafi terms, five Beyonce concerts." –Conan O'Brien

"On a rambling call to a TV station, Gadhafi ranted about his enemies and blamed others for his problems. He said he feels fine and is ready to go back to work. He's now the Charlie Sheen of Libya." –Jay Leno

"Moammar Gadhafi is starting to sound a little crazy. Al-Jazeera canceled his show, 'Two and a Half Shiites.'" –David Letterman

"Moammar Gadhafi is blaming Osama bin Laden for all of Libya's troubles. It's going to be awkward when these two guys meet in hell." –Conan O'Brien

"Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi described President Obama as an African of Arab and Muslim descent. After the speech, Gadhafi was given his own show on Fox News." –Conan O'Brien

"Gadhafi said no sane person would join the protests against him. He then joined the protests against himself." –Conan O'Brien

"Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi said that people protesting against him are under the influence of 'hallucination pills.' In a related story, Charlie Sheen just boarded a plane to Libya." –Conan O'Brien

"Gadhafi said he will fight the protestors until the end and he will die as a martyr. The protestors responded by saying, 'Deal.'" –Jay Leno

"People in Libya want Moammar Gadhafi to leave. The problem is, he'll be replaced by his idiot son, Moammar W. Gadhafi." –David Letterman

"In Libya this could be the end for strongman and exhausted Lionel Ritchie impersonator Moammar Khadafy. With any luck we’ll get to see citizens storm the Palace and Moammar’s posse of 40 to 50 female bodyguards defend him. That news footage will be golden. The menacing click-clack of razor-sharp 5-inch stiletto heels. Choreographed waves of 6-foot amazons spin-kicking protesters in the jaw. It'll be like a Janet Jackson video." –Stephen Colbert

"I don't think Khadafi gets it, because half the country is in rebel hands, his military is defecting and he's being tried at the International Criminal Court. Somebody asked him today what he's doing. He said, 'Duh, winning!'" –Bill Maher

 

What women really mean when they use familiar phrases. From Banti. Thanks.

BANTI

The content of an email I found from a while back on 'what women really mean when they use familiar phrases':

1. "Fine" – This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. "Five Minutes" – If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. "Nothing" – This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. "Go Ahead" – This is a dare, not permission ... Don't Do It!
5. "Loud Sigh" – This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. "That's OK" – This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. 'That's OK' means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. "Thanks" – A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' – that is pure sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. Do not say 'you're welcome'... that will bring on a 'whatever').
8. "Whatever" – Is a women's way of saying: ---- you!
9. "Don't worry about it, I've got it" – Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to word 3.

Laugh station stuff. From Stella. Thanks.

STELLA

today's Laugh Station perhaps.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an
Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a
German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a
Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walked into a bar.

The landlord says, "I can't let you in here without a Thai."

Laugh station stuff. From Chipnputt. Thanks.

CHIPNPUTT

Laugh Station

On Accents

 

 

Laugh station stuff. From Stella. Thanks.

STELLA

Laugh Station ( although it's not as funny as B's Czech President video.

WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS

A Ottawa couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Canada and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages and condolences from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: July 19, 2010

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

 

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

 

P. S. Sure is darn hot down here!!!!

Laugh station stuff. From Bjornino. Thanks.

BJORNINO

Laugh Station:

President of Czech Republic steals pen

Check out Klaus' smile after he's put the pen in his pocket and adjusted his jacket! :-D
Sebastian Pinera needs to check if he still has his wallet in his pocket :-)

Click here.

 

 

 

Laugh station stuff. From Stella. Thanks.

STELLA

Laugh Station 

Bertha and Betty 

Two 90-year-old women, Bertha and Betty, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day.

One day Betty said, "Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there."

Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, "Betty, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, Bertha died.

A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Betty, Betty."

"Who is it," asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Betty -- it's me, Bertha."

"You're not Bertha. Bertha just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Bertha," insisted the voice.

"Bertha! Where are you?"

"In heaven," replied Bertha. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Betty.

"The good news," Bertha said with joy and enthusiasm, "is that there's women's softball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always Springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," said Betty. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."
-------

Do you think this will work forr tennis players as well as softball players ?

Bunnee's favorite quotes. Thanks.

BUNNEE

MY favourite quotes:

The older you get, the better you were.

"My how you’ve grown -- you’ll soon be able to grab God’s balls"

Start each day off with a smile & get it over with.

Your best is none too good!

Don’t just stare at me… fantasize!

There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.

You have delusions of adequacy.

Eat what you like & let the food fight it out inside.

In God we trust -- all others we monitor.

God, please save me from your followers!

Eat the rich -- the poor are tough & stringy.

It’s a blink from diapers to Depends.

We don’t make sense, but we do like pizza.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

When you’ve seen one nuclear war, you’ve seen them all.

You’re kind of a big deal.

If all else fails, lower your standards.

The last time I saw him, he was walking down Lover’s Lane holding his own hand.

Grub first, then ethics.

Every silver lining has a cloud.

A clean shirt attracts the soup of the day.

Don’t get even… get odd!

When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you.

In Heaven, all the interesting people are missing.

Have a nice day… somewhere else!

What’s the use? Yesterday an egg, tomorrow a feather duster.

 

Laugh station stuff. From Murph. Thanks.

MURPH

Just a little humor to get us through the day!!

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette .

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. 
They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

-----------------------------

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

----------------------------

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

-----------------------------

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next . . . . . He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, an had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

------------------------------

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a full body cast, and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, . . . . circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Laugh station stuff. From DSG. Thanks.

DSG

Considering all the brilliant, devious minds we had in high school I don't know how we missed doing this:

At a high school in Montana a group of students played a prank. They let 3 goats loose inside the school. But before turning them loose they painted numbers on the sides of each goats: #1, #2, and #4.
School administration spent most of the day looking for #3.

------------------------------

Gate 14 at the Denver Airport:

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making a point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as air cargo:

A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was trying to re-book a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the front of the line. He slapped his ticket on the counter and yelled, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir, I'll be happy to try and help you but I've got to help these folks first. Then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly,"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and picked up her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please," she began, her voice being heard clearly throughout the terminal.

"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 who does not know who he is. If anyone can help him find his identity please come to Gate 14.

With the folks behind him in line began to laugh, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth, and said,"F**k you!"

Without flinching, the agent smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."

Laugh station stuff. From Bjornino. Thanks.

BJORNINO

Laugh station: 
I find this brilliant - check out the look on his face! :-D

Belinda Heggen deals Mark Aiston a low blow.

 

 

Laugh station stuff. From Jenny. Thanks.

JENNY

Laugh Station.

I'm sure cat lovers/owners can relate to this one!

 

 

Laugh station stuff. From Stella. Thanks.

STELLA

Laugh Station for today.

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, 
"and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand !"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"

 

Laugh station stuff. From Sperry. Thanks.

SPERRY

Laugh station. Cleaning my hard drive... found these... must be at least 15 years old. Some real "groaners" in here. You probably need to be 40 or so to recall the reference in 10, so if you don't get it just be happy for your youth.

1. Many people don't know this but William Tell and his son were avid bowlers in their day. They were very competitive. Unfortunately a serious castle fire destroyed their scores and league records. To this day, no one knows for whom the Tells bowled.

2. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

5. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

8. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store,
saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .... what? A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

11. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one would make them laugh. But no pun in ten did.

 

Laugh station stuff. From Stella. Thanks.

STELLA

seems a bit quiet here as we wait for the (almost) " All Federer, all the time " day at IW. Sperry , do you have tickets ?

So here is a laugh station for today 
Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh

Here are Vince's relatives, in no specific order:

His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh

His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh

The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh

The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling . . . there ya Gogh!

 

Agassi attempts to irritate Federer this time. If Sampras missed.........

 

Laugh station stuff. From RafaFan. Thanks.

RAFAFAN

Laugh station stuff

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

 

Laugh station stuff. From Stella. Thanks.

STELLA

Here is another for Laugh Station.

When Love Fades...

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's lovely voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner my Love. . . Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "Thank you sweetheart, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup. I was talking to the dog."

 

Laugh station stuff. From Raj. Thanks.

RAJ

Hope this makes you laugh. It was sent to me in an email.

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them..They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied,
'Father, it's me, --- Sister Kathleen.

 

Laugh station stuff. From M. Thanks.

M

Baby Laughing Hysterically at Ripping Paper

This has nothing to do with tennis -- but I didn't know if anyone else was having a rough post-Oscar Monday with no tennis in sight till this weekend's Davis Cup matches, and I thought it was just so funny I had to share.

Captions welcome! :-)

 

 

Laugh station stuff. From Sperry. Thanks.

SPERRY

For the laugh station. Sorry I don't know the name of the woman involved in this exchange. (So I will call her Ms. Smith.) The male is Winston Churchill.

"Mr Churchill, if you were my husband, I would put poison in your tea."

"Ms. Smith, if you were my wife I'd drink it."

Laugh station stuff. From Stella. Thanks.

STELLA

today's Laugh station.

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent, 
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That next day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you, 
Vinnie

Laugh station stuff. From Jenny. Thanks.

JENNY

Laugh Station?? Sorry gents, I couldn't resist!

 

 

Laugh station stuff. From Stella. Thanks.

STELLA

Laugh station.

Father: Why don't you get yourself a job?
Son: Why?

Father: So you could earn some money.
Son: Why? 
...
Father: So you could put some money in a bank and earn interest.
Son: Why?

Father: So that when you're old you can use the money in your bank account ...and you would never have to work again.

Son: I'm not working now.

 

Laugh station stuff. From Covalence. Thanks.

COVALENCE

Laugh Station :)

A man and his wife were deciding what password to put on their computer. The man eventually decided on "mypenis".......His wife fell over laughing when the computer showed "error. not long enough"

 

Laugh station stuff. From Stella. Thanks. Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers.

STELLA

maybe there will have to be 2 Laugh Station posts today.
This just arrived in my inbox.
Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers

Tower: 'Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!' 
Delta 351: 'Give us another hint! We have digital watches!'

**************************************************************************************************
Tower: 'TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.' 
TWA 2341: 'Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?' 
Tower: 'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?'

****************************************************************************************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: 'I'm f...ing bored!'
Ground Traffic Control: 'Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!'
Unknown aircraft: 'I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!'

****************************************************************************************************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: 'United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound.' 
United 329: 'Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight.'

******************************************************************************************************

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, 'What was your last known position?' 
Student: 'When I was number one for takeoff.'

*****************************************************************************************************

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. 
San Jose Tower Noted: 'American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.'

******************************************************************************************************

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): ' Ground, what is our start clearance time?' 
Ground (in English): 'If you want an answer you must speak in English.' 
Lufthansa (in English): 'I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?' 
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): 
'Because you lost the bloody war!'

*******************************************************************************************************

Tower: 'Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7'
Eastern 702: 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway' 
Tower: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?' 
BR Continental 635: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers.'

********************************************************************************************************

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, 'What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?' 
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: 'I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one.'

*******************************************************************************************************

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: ' Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway.' 
Ground: 'Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.' 
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: 'Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?' 
Speedbird 206: 'Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.' 
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): 'Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?' 
Speedbird 206 (coolly): 'Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land.'

******************************************************************************************************

While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the USAir crew, screaming: 'US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!'

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: 'God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?'
'Yes, ma'am,' the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. 
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: 
'Wasn't I married to you once?'

 

Laugh station stuff. From Raj. Thanks.

RAJ

Today's laugh station.

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said,
'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied,
'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered,
'I am the Father of many.'
The boy said,
'My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said.
'I am the Father of hundreds',
and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,
"Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.

 

Laugh station stuff. From Stella. Thanks.

STELLA

today's laugh station.

Charley, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.
Every day he was 5, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to
the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, he called him into the office for a talk. 

"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang on job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces.
What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They said, 'Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this morning, sir?'"

 

Laugh station stuff. From Stella. Thanks.

STELLA

today's Laugh Station.
Subject: THE ALTERNATIVE MEDICAL DICTIONARY

 

Artery The Study of Paintings

Barium What Doctors do when Patients die

Caesarean Section A Neighbourhood in Rome

Cauterize Made eye contact with her

Colic A sheep dog

D&C Where Washington is.

Dilate To live long

Enema Not a friend

Fibula A small lie

Genital Not a Jew

Impotent Distinguished, well known

Labour Pain Getting hurt at work

Morbid A higher offer

Nitrates Cheaper than day rates

Node Was aware of

Outpatient A person who has fainted

Post Operative A letter carrier

Recovery Room A place to do upholstery

Seizure Roman Emperor

Tablet Small table

Terminal Illness Getting sick at the Airport

Urine Opposite of ‘You’re out’

 

Laugh station stuff. From Raj. Thanks.

RAJ

Here is one for the laugh station following the same theme from the otherday.

To celebrate the golden anniversary, a couple booked a weekend at St. Andrews. On the third tee, the husband said, "Darling, I have to confess something. Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope that you can forgive me." His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, htose days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They hugged and kissed.
On the seventh tee the wife said to her husband, "darling, since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation. I was a man before we met."
The husband had a fit! he cursed, threw his driver away, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, tore hisclothes, screamed and yelled. "You liar, you despicable cheat! How could you? I trusted you, and you have been playing off the ladies' tees all these years!

The funny Arab. From RafaFan. Thanks.

RAFAFAN

The funny Arab
I don't know why people from Denmark make deadly jokes on Arabs. If you feel offended take a Redneck i.e. G.W. Bush instead of Abdul Al-Razhib or ra-FAY-el nah-DAHL(*) (LOL):
http://www.hangtilhygge.dk/steff/949847_l.jpg

(*) Official atp pronunciation! LOL.

Laugh station stuff. From Stella. Thanks.

STELLA

Laugh Station.

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe-box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe-box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "That's the money I made from selling the dolls"

 

Laugh station stuff: Most embarrassing interview ever! From RafaFan. Thanks.

RAFAFAN

Laugh station stuff: Most embarrassing interview ever!
This clip is quite known! This time it comes with subtitles so you freaking toddlers get the point!

I like the final credits of this clip! Beethoven's Symphony No.3 theme (Eroica).

 

Laugh station stuff. From Bluechyll. Thanks.

BLUECHYLL

Laugh Station:

This never fails to crack me up!

 

 

Laugh station stuff. From Kitty. Thanks.

KITTY

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

1. The light bulb can be unscrewed.
2. The light bulb will not develop morning sickness.
3. The light bulb will not develop cravings.
4. The light bulb will not want commitments.
5. The light bulb is inexpensive.
6. The light bulb will not mind if you screw another light bulb.
7. The light bulb is easier to turn on.
8. Light bulbs can be "made that way" by a man or a woman worker.
9. Light bulbs do not gain or loose lots of weight.
10. About a hundred pounds, maybe more.

 

Laugh station stuff. From Stella. Thanks.

STELLA

for Laugh Station.
this is another along the same lines as Sperry's of 2 days ago.
Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Canadians:

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from 
September through May, 
You may live in Canada .

If someone in a Home Depot store 
Offers you assistance and they don't work there, 
You may live in Canada .

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, 
You may live in Canada ...

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation 
With someone who dialed a wrong number, 
You may live in Canada .

If 'Vacation' means going anywhere 
South of Detroit for the weekend, 
You may live in Canada .

If you measure distance in hours, 
You may live in Canada .

If you know several people 
Who have hit a deer more than once, 
You may live in Canada .

If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' 
In the same day and back again, 
You may live in Canada .

If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow 
During a raging blizzard without flinching, 
You may live in Canada .

If you install security lights on your house and garage, 
But leave both unlocked, 
You may live in Canada .

If you carry jumper cables in your car 
And your wife knows how to use them, 
You may live in Canada .

If you design your kid's Halloween costume 
To fit over a snowsuit, 
You may live in Canada .

If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km -- 
You're going 95 and everybody is passing you, 
You may live in Canada .

If driving is better in the winter 
Because the potholes are filled with snow, 
You may live in Canada .

If you know all 4 seasons: 
Almost winter, winter, still winter, 
and road construction, 
You may live in Canada .

If you have more miles 
On your snow blower than your car, 
You may live in Canada .

If you find -2 degrees 'a little chilly', 
You may live in Canada .

If you actually understand these jokes, 
and forward them to all 
your friends,

You definitely are Canadian and proud to be.

 

Laugh station stuff. From Jenny. Thanks.

JENNY

One for the the Laugh Station. Some of us married ladies might appreciate this one. Pam Ayres is a British poet/comedienne from Oxfordshire, hence the accent.

 

 

Laugh station stuff. From Sperry. Thanks.

SPERRY

On the Laugh Station:
The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

50 Fahrenheit (10 C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadians plant gardens.

35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C)
Italian Cars won't start
Canadians drive with the windows down

32 Fahrenheit (0 C)
American water freezes
Canadian water gets thicker.

0 Fahrenheit (-17.9 C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat. Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-109.9 Fahrenheit (-78.5 C)
Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice.
Canadians pull down their earflaps.

-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C)
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg

-459.67 Fahrenheit (-273.15 C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"

-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C)
Hell freezes over.
The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup

 

Laugh station stuff. Good ones. From Kitty. Thanks.

KITTY

Ok, this one REALLY cracked me up!!! lol

FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

 

A Tennis Love Story. From Chipnputt. Thanks.

CHIPNPUTT

For Laugh Station:

A Tennis Love Story

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you.. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that.. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didnt have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your tennis club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

 

Today's Joke. From RafaFan. Thanks.

RAFAFAN

 What do you call a blond with a high IQ? A golden retriever.

Today's Joke.

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her.

She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, now she's angry!

She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and points to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!"

"Shut up," she says, "You're next."

Many true words are spoken in jest?

 

Today's Joke.

Bumper stickers:

I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Today's Joke.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.